Hey, everybody! Many of you know me. I'm Ned, obviously. I was pointed this direction by Edwardo. Well, here's a bit of my work so you can all try to get a feeling for how I write. It's part of a chain project that I do with a group of friends every once in a while, just for fun. It's called The Hurtling Through Time and Space Story that Has No Point or Purpose Except to be Random. Yup. I apologize in advance for several inside jokes, and for an uncharacteristically large amount of pop culture references... yeah. Anyways, here we go!
The Hurtling Through Time and Space Story that Has No Point or Purpose Except to be Random
Cricket v Royal Rainbow
Ned
"You're in the army now, squishy one!"
Cricket felt himself shoved forcefully in the small of the back into the steadily marching line of soldiers. He obviously had some questions... But it seemed weird talking to these people. They were short, they were round, they were shiny, and they had fuses on their heads and keys sticking out of their backs. He turned to the one who had shoved him.
"Er- excuse me? Mr. Officer Bob-omb guy?"
The bob-omb turned to him irritably. "What do you want?!"
Cricket faltered. Sure, he'd seen his fair share of bob-ombs in his day, but never one with a green army helmet, a bushy mustache, and a Cuban cigar in its... Mouth? That got Cricket wondering. Did bob-ombs even have mouths? If not, how was he holding the cigar? And wouldn't the cigar cause the bob-omb to blow up?...
"What?!" screamed the officer. "What is it?! What do you want?! SPEAK, FREAK!!"
"Er..." Cricket pointed to the cigar. "Smoking is a bad habit..."
"What?" Asked the officer. He glanced down at his face and scowled. "@&$! those privates! Think it's sooo funny to stick tootsie rolls to my face!" He squinted his eyes together, and grunted deeply. Smoke started rising from his fuse, and the tootsie roll popped off his face at the speed of a bullet.
Private Costis had been off getting his wick trimmed. Feeling like a brand-new bomb, he strolled out of the barber shop, singing a happy tune. "Au Contraire, Mahatma..." Then, he got hit by something flying at the speed of a bullet and blew up.
KA-FRICKIN-BOOM!
Cricket stared at the smoldering crater. "Whatcha lookin' at, squishy?" The officer glanced at where he felt he could safely assume Cricket's line of sight was focused. "Oh, that. That's your standard peacetime casualty. Happens more often than you'd think. One of our brainiacs told me that the casualty rate is directly proportional with our tootsie roll consumption rate. I don't personally believe him." he glanced at Cricket's blank expression. "You were going to ask me something?"
"What?" said Cricket, still staring at the crater. "Oh, yes!" he regained his composure and turned to the officer. "Um... What exactly is going on here?"
"Well, ain't it obvious?" huffed the officer "This is war, Squishy! War! We gotta whip those stygimoloch scum before they whip us! Only I'm allowed to whip my bombs! Whip 'em into shape! Ha!" with that, the officer turned on his heels and stormed off, screaming mild profanities at his soldiers.
Confused, Cricket could do little else but just march along with the rest of the line. He glanced down at the bob-omb marching directly in front of him and plucked up the courage to tap him on the... Lack of shoulder. "Excuse me? Excuse me, sir?"
The soldier turned around to see who desired his attention. "Yes?"
"GAH!" Cricket's sense of reality leaped about two feet out of his skull until it was stopped forcefully by the ceiling of skewed recognition. It then fluttered brokenly back into his brain, moaning for ibuprofen and aspirin.
"Hey, Cricket! Good to see ya! Want a jawexploder?"
Cricket glanced from the proffered confection to the being by whom it was being proffered. This is wrong! Muttered his sense of reality between weak requests to forget the ibuprofen and just get some hydrocodone. He's gotta be photoshopped.
Sense of reality, explained Cricket, This is the real world. He can't be photoshopped, he's a tangible, three-dimensional object. Er- person. Whatever!
Hey, I'm your sense of reality! Came the disgruntled reply. I'll tell you what's real and what isn't, and I'm telling you that this is not right! Now, make it stop before I start begging for morphine!
Shut up! Cricket slapped his sense of reality across the face and shoved him into a corner. This is the Hurtling Through Time and Space Story, got that? It's happening, so just accept it!
As his sense of reality curled into the fetal position, Cricket returned his attention to the candy being waved in front of his face. "A jawexploder, you say?"
"Yup!" elated the photoshopped being. "It's a lot like a jawbreaker, except more... Explosive."
"I see..." said Cricket, cautiously taking the jawexploder between two fingers. It hovered in front of his open mouth for a few moments before he gave in to common sense and threw it over his shoulder.
"Okay, I'll bite." he sighed, ignoring the explosions and screams of annoyance from behind him. "What are you doing here, and why are you a bob-omb?"
"I don't know." said Erik, perusing his new body. "One moment you're destroying a giant evil computer, and the next second, somebody touches the sun-ball and POOF! I'm a face on a minor video game minion. But, that's life for ya, am I right?"
"Right." said Cricket uncertainly. He turned to the bob-omb behind him. "Are you seeing this?"
"Of course I am, Cricket. And I must admit, I'm finding it all rather amusing."
Cricket gave his sense of reality the evil eye before it could say another word, and returned his attention to Erik. "Erik, why is Ned a bob-omb too?"
"I'm right here, you know." said Ned.
"Be quiet, I'm talking to Erik."
"Yeah, come on, Ned!" chuckled Erik. "He obviously values my opinions more than he values yours." he stuck his tongue out at Ned.
"Now, boys, play nice." Chided Cricket. " Now then, Erik, why is Ned a bob-omb?"
"I haven't the foggiest."
"I believe," snickered Ned, enjoying Cricket's frustrated expression, "that the better question would be thus. Why aren't you a bob-omb, Cricket?"
Cricket clutched his head and moaned. "Please. Please, be quiet. My sense of reality just asked me for a gun. Well, if neither of you can explain why you're bob-ombs, do you at least know what we're supposed to be doing here?
And at once, as though compelled by some outer psychological force, Erik and Ned both recited, "To protect the motherland and the dignity of all things small, round, shiny, explosive, sentient, and run by clockwork!" After having said this, they both clicked their heels and each shot a single red spark out of their fuses into the air, which sparks exploded in a minuscule fashion, forming the tiny visage of a winking bob-omb in an army hat before slowly drifting to the ground and flickering into nothing.
"705-3177..." Muttered Cricket.
"What was that?" asked Ned.
"What? Oh, that was nothing." said Cricket. "However, I might ask you the same thing. What was with the whole robotic 'I must serve' schtick?"
Once again, Erik and Ned recited simultaneously, "Our leaders are fine, upstanding bombs of character, who are not brainwashing us in any way! Tovarisch! Heil Bill Nye!"
"Wait!" interjected Cricket. "Did you just say that all of you guys are being brainwashed by Bill Nye?"
"Our leaders are fine, upstanding bombs of character, who are not brainwashing us in any way! Tovarisch! Heil Bill Nye!"
"Uh-Huh..." muttered Cricket, and resumed his stoic marching. Bill Nye? He thought. That guy who used to have his own science show in the '90s? And now he's brainwashing bob-ombs to do his dirty work? What a fascist!
"Alright, men! Attack formation!" bellowed the officer. "And you, squishy! You ever seen a stygimoloch before?"
"No," muttered Cricket, snapped out of his musings.
"Well, take a good look." the officer somehow gestured toward the horizon, and Cricket followed his gaze.
"El gaspo!" el gaspoed Cricket. "That's a stygimoloch? It looks like a horned devil from the River Styx!"
"Considering that's what stygimoloch means, I'm gonna have to agree with you." The officer then addressed the whole assembly. "All right, men! Go get those scumbags, and remember, explode on sight!"
"Explode on sight!" roared the crowd. "Yay!!!"
"Wait just a moment." Cricket turned to Erik and Ned. "Isn't exploding generally classified as a negative experience? Exploding equals death, am I right?"
Once again, Erikbot and Nedroid recited, "It will be an honor to scatter pieces of our bodies far and wide in order to serve our glorious, non-fascist leader! Tovarisch!"
This doesn't bode well. Thought Cricket. I gotta get these guys out of here! When the command was issued to charge, Cricket scooped up Erik and Ned and began running away with them.
"Hey, what's the deal, K-ricket?" asked Ned. "Why are you taking us away from our battle?"
"To go visit Bill Nye." said Cricket, determination oozing out of his every word like pus from a dead, infected mouse.
"The leader!?" gasped Erik and Ned. "We are not worthy of seeing the leader!"
"Don't question it, just do it!" snapped Cricket.
"Ok..." muttered Erik and Ned.
Wow. Thought Cricket. That was surprisingly easy... "Do the chicken dance." he said.
They did so.
"Sing Old McDonald while you're doing it."
It happened.
"Sing Old McDonald and Old McTavish at the same time."
Somehow, they made it work.
"Ok, you can stop now." they walked onward for quite some time before Cricket finally asked, "Um... Where do we find the leader?"
"In that armored tank that's been following us in a very non-stalker like (and might I add very non-fascist) manner ever since we left the ranks."
Cricket turned to look at it. It was about one foot away from his nose. "Well, I feel like and idiot."
"You should."
"Shut up."
"Ok."
With that, Cricket reared back his fist, screamed "NATAS!" and punched a large hole in the side of the tank. He crawled through it and accidentally dropped his jaw. As it clattered to the floor, he surveyed the scene before him. He saw Bill Nye, perched atop a pedestal whilst astride a majestic cthunicorn. Royal rainbows and miniature sprites in the incarnation of Rick Astley and Admiral Ackbar fluttered around his head.
"Welcome to my lab, Mr. K-ricket!" A sadistic (and might i add very fascist) smile crossed Bill Nye's face. "And now, as is proper, I will make an attempt on your life. CARE BEAR STARE!"
All of the royal rainbows circling his head converged into one point on his manly chest before firing off a deadly beam of spectral energy directly in Cricket's direction. As Cricket dodged the blast, he heard a small, insecure voice from a dark corner of His brain. Um, excuse me? If I may-
Shut up, my sense of reality! Snapped Cricket. I've had it with you! Get out of my house!
Ok... Cricket heard a suitcase click shut deep within the recesses of his mind, and he felt something invisible wriggle out of his ear and plunge to the ground below. He instantly felt all of his cares evaporate away into nothingness.
"Like, oh my OMG!" LOLed Cricket. "U guyz r like, totally bob-omz!" he soon began ROFLing like a spastic.
"Um-" Bill Nye faltered as Cricket rolled past him. "Well, Uh... This is the part where I explain my evil scheme to you guys. So, without further ado, here we go! See, I've been studying the properties of 10th-dimensional objects." He pushed a button on the cthunicorn's saddle, and a claw descended from the ceiling. It held-
"ZOMG sun-ball!" LMAOed Cricket. He leaped at it.
"Hey, wait!" shouted Bill Nye. "I still need to explain my evil plan, you little maggot! Hey, stop!-"
Cricket grabbed the sun-ball.
Well, there you have it. I invite you now to constructively criticize the heck out of it.
Sincerely,
-Ned.