"Have I gone daffy in my old age?" Lunt mused. He thought a moment and then shrugged. "Whether I have or not, this isn't something to miss!" He stooped back down to peer through his four meter telescope, gazing intently at something far off in the distance. Thankfully, his telescope could show the scene close up and in incredible detail.
There was a flash of silver, a hint of canvas, not to mention a small figure being hurled hundreds of feet into the air. "Great gobs!" the man said, astonished. "There's a boy in the air...and without a parachute! Jacob!"
A two meter robot stepped from the shadows. "Yes master?"
"Fetch my glider. There's a--hum--situation."
"Yes master." The robot hurried off, sensing the urgency in Lunt's voice.
"Hum," Lunt said again. "This is odd indeed."
Jacob returned, holding a bronze-colored tube, "Your glider, master."
"Thank you Jacob," said Lunt. "I have another job for you. While I'm away, prepare some tea and whatever it is boys like to eat these days."
Jacob cocked his head, puzzled. "What do boys like these days, Master? I am afraid I am not programmed in this area of expertise."
"Hum! Yes, yes, very true. Make some cookies, or something. I'm off!" Lunt activated the glider and sped off into the distance.
Jacob stared after Lunt for a few moments, eyes glowing a dim blue. "Cookies it is then."
Several hours passed and Jacob was unsure of what to do. The cookies were prepared and the tea was being kept warm in the incubator. What now? Creativity was not Jacob's strong suit; it hadn't been installed yet. He was a young robot, only two years old. It would take up to three more years to install all the necessary components to be more than a servant bot.
It used to be that it took ten years for the mind to develop in a robot, but thanks to Lunt's genius, it now took half that time. In fact, Lunt was designing a new type of robot that took only one year...or so he hoped. Jacob, being a robot, couldn't help feeling a little skepticle.
Jacob activated the Locate Mechanism implanted in his brain and searched for his master and creator. Why was it taking him so long?
"Telescope," Jacob commanded in his grating robotic voice, "playback the events leading to Proffesor Alexander Lunt's departure."
"Data loaded," the telescope said in a tinny voice. "Would you like me to play it on the screen?"
"Yes."
A screen on the wall lit up. Jacob was bewildered by the scene and wondered why in void's name did it interest his Master? Shaking his head, he asked the computer to find out who the boy was. The computer scanned all files until it found the one desired.
"The boy is Gunnar Max Steeple, age nine. His father was Max Steeple, a condemned worshiper and Marquee. His mother was demoted to the position of Meager Nobility. She was saved from the position of a mere commoner by the doings of her husband before his betrayal...Gunnar Steeple is failing in school and--"
"Thank you," Jacob said. "That'll be enough."
Lunt and the boy, Gunnar Steeple arrived fifteen minutes later. The boy was unconscious.
"Sorry," Lunt said, "it took awhile to get through the legal webs...."
"Master," Jacob said, "why do you take interest in this boy? It is beyond my programming to understand."
"He'll be useful," was all Lunt said, setting the boy down carefully.
"More useful than me?" Jacob asked.
"In some ways yes, and in some ways, no."
"Yes master."
Jacob walked slowly toward his chamber and then turned. "The cookies and tea are ready, Master."
"Yes, yes,very good," Lunt said without paying a spark of attention.
Jacob lingered a moment and then headed off toward the dark chamber he called home. When he arrived he sat down, his thoughts on jealousy.
It was time to seek revenge.
I beg of you, as a friend, to tear this to pieces, throw the pieces into a black cauldron of boiling water...and help me make a better potion. Tomorrow I will (hopefully) post the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue seems a little too played out. I mean, the message gets across well enough, but I can't really imagine people saying things like that. I get that the robot is a robot, but saying "Master" after every sentance annyoed me quickly. I'd smash the robot. Once again, there are point of view issues. Are you Lunt, or the robot? It takes a LOT of editing to move between them seamlessly. Also, if you want to make your robot seem childish, than try to emphasize that a little more than making him seem like just a stupid person. As in, don't put in adult sounding sentances like "Cookies it is, then." or "That'll be enough." It seems like you've seen Astro Boy and you're being inspired by that robot Tenma has following him everywhere. I loved that movie, but I hated that robot. Everything around him story wise was a mess. So make him a little more childish, hint more at him being jealous throuhgout the story so that his "revenge" isn't so sudden - it was sudden to me - and try to make us feel more sorry for him because those are the villains that we really are scared of; the ones that have a reason to do bad things, a reason we can almost relate to. We're scared of them because we know that feeling of the dark side and the threat that the dark- not crazy guy with an army of minions- but the dark INSIDE us will be our downfall. Those are the villains that scare us. Darth Vader can be made fun of. But Anikan gives us nightmares.
ReplyDeleteI agree. PLus, there were some sentences that weren't necessary. If you say, "I'm off," Then you don't need to say he left. Or you could cut the dialogue a little, and just say he left. I do like the Hum-ing.
ReplyDeleteIf you do want to make him more attachable, one idea is to place tiny things that make him more human, small things that people don't really think about. Cute human things. Give him a quirk that means something. When he feels jealousy, make an attribute that happens every time the kid's around, when he's sad, when he's feeling proud of himself. You don't even have to say he's jealous when he does it. Readers'll pick up on it soon enough.
I'd also give a little more description of Jacob. What kind of robot is he? Humanoid? Your readers could come up with a wide variety of possibilities.
I don't think Jacob has a super relatable reason to seek revenge yet. What, Lunt just randomly brings home some kid and Jacob instantly is plotting against him? either Jacob needs more background or you need to build up the jealousy over time in situations where the kid's given more attention from Lunt than Jacob.
Jacob could be a fantastic character if he's developed properly. I like him already.
And one more thing I forgot to mention. This home site is for FINISHED stuff. This isn't the place to ask for advice. I made the Workstation for that and it hasn't been used for a few months now. Just to clarify. if you have something you're already proud of and is perfect to you, put it here. If you know that SOMETHING'S wrong but you can't put your finger on it, put it on the workstation. That is all.
ReplyDeleteWell, Mr. Bossy, nobody GOES to the workstation anymore. I don't see why we can't post stuff here...it's the quickest way to get critiques.
ReplyDeletePepole don't go to that site because we stopped posting stuff there! i just haven't had much stuff to go on there because I write either uneditable poetry or secret stuff I'll only show you when I'm done. I'll get something I'm working on on there if I can in the next couple days.
ReplyDeleteUm, should I get the fire extinguisher? I honestly thought the Ol' Station went the way of all the earth, but if we're supposed to keep using it, I'll keep that in mind.
ReplyDeleteI thought the same...
ReplyDeleteWell.. it didn't dissapear.. and.. ya..
ReplyDelete